A Ridiculously Southern Dream

I had this dream the other night that might be the most Southern story you'll ever read...

So I'm walking home from some event, and on the way to my house (in Vermont) there's this massive field of Georgia red clay. Now, I know better than to go into this field because there's a demon car that lives there; a station wagon painted red with evil black detailing; so I'm walking by it, minding my own business, when I hear see this guy sitting in the field saying to anyone who'll listen, "Well, Ah bounced up here from Chattanooga, and Ah bounced all the way from Texas. Seen some good shows down in those parts, but then Ah bounced up here."
This guy, who's a cross between Muddy Waters and Woody Guthrie, literally means bounced; he's sitting on a red rubber ball, just bouncing the way you do when you're sitting on a ball.
Now, in my dream consciousness, I know that this guy is a devil, but I also know that the demon car is more evil than this devil, and he is obviously unaware of the dangers of the demon car, so I go down to the field to get him out. I try to talk him into leaving, but as I do, the demon car wakes up and starts coming after us, so I snatch his ball out from under him and run into a ditch, decide the ditch is too close to the field, and climb up to the road, where the car can't get us.
The devil follows me onto the road, but he can't walk any more and I know he's dying. So I'm faced with this decision: leave him to die with no one but the two bad guys who have now stepped out of the demon car, or stay with him.
As I'm standing in the road with the flat rubber ball in my hands, he calls out to me, "Please, I'm dyin'. Please sing me -----" (a Southern folk song) and the bad guys (one's big and heavy, the other's tall and thin), call out, "You might as well do it. Tain't nothin but an old she-devil on her dyin' breath."
I turn around and see that, indeed, this guy has turned into a red she-devil, and that she's definitely dying, but I can't remember the song she wants to hear, so I start making something up. Then the bad guys take over the song, and sing in rich, Southern voices that almost make me cry.
While they're singing, I realize it's my chance to get away from the bad guys, demon car, and dying devil, so I start to run and throw the ball over my shoulder.
I get home safely, but run out the back door to be sure.

Morning Rituals

While I was back in Tennessee, I got a lot of "How do you prepare for that" questions concerning the temperature, so I'm going to walk you through my morning rituals.
1. Alarm goes off at 8:00. Get up, set it for 8:10, go back to bed.
2. 8:10. Strongly consider whether or not people can live a day without ORE. Stroke ego. Put on sweater while I'm still under two layers of quilts. Get out of bed.
3. Eat breakfast, debate shower. High under 15: Skip it to save body heat.
4. Get dressed with pajama shirt (usually a tank top) and leggings as first layer, then a long sleeve shirt, wool socks, jeans, sweater.
5. Put on another pair of socks.
6. Add hat (lined or unlined?) and gloves (massive or manageable?)
7. Grab coat, go downstairs, put on my massive "trudging through the snow to get to my bar and take a shot of whiskey" boots.
8. Make first attempt to tie the laces. Curse gloves. Second attempt, much better.
9. Impress myself by zipping jacket with gloves on.
10. Leave the house, hoping it's not too icy.
11. Squish squish squish (walking to work).
12. Check self out in shop window. "Damn, I look like a Vermonter!"13. Loose footing while checking self out.
14. Kick City Hall pillars to get snow off boots. Kick too hard-- ouch.
15. Consider what Montpelier would look like with chickens running around town. Wonder if I really want to stay in Vermont after my service.
16. Change to inside shoes. Audra (native Vermonter) makes a comment about the weather. "It's balmy" for 18+, "Gonna need to wear that scarf over your nose" for 8-, or "You made it!" for ice.
17. Solve all problems concerning the Onion River Exchange and its members. Except the ones that I put off until tomorrow.

Transition Towns Article

http://timesargus.com/article/20090111/NEWS02/901110383/1003/NEWS02


"And we'll have chickens running around the town!"